Twenty days from now, I turn 30. To get a sense of percieved self and feedback from those in my life, I sent a survey to 30 friends and family members. What I got back was more than data—it was a mirror.
Twenty-five responded. I'm sure the other five still like/love me. It's just what happens when you send a survey; 100 per cent compliance is a myth. Lesson one.
Some of my work involves working with data and using it as a reference for decision-making, so I am going to use the feedback from the survey to infer some things about my experience leaving my teens and twenty-somethings to improve on my 30s, and I’m going to bring you along in my analysis.
One benefit, which I realised only after going through the feedback shared, is that, on days where I doubt myself and feel down, this would be invaluable—it's a pick-me-up I would have paid for. What I got back was more than data. It was a mirror that reflected not just my strengths but my blind spots, some contradictions, and the often unspoken ways I’ve touched the lives of those I care about.
The Friendship Equation: Is there a balance?
I’ve always carried a quiet guilt about not being the best long-term friend. Over the years, my relationships with childhood and secondary school friends have faded. We didn’t attend the same universities, moved to different cities, and talked less and less, and life pulled us in different directions. Those cherished friends of old become acquaintances and, sometimes, people you just like their Instagram stories and say hi once a year to. I know it’s not just in my case; life sometimes makes people grow apart. It’s one of the heartbreaks everyone goes through as you grow old and evolve.
Nonetheless, if there is one thing three decades has taught me is that longevity isn't the only measure of quality. Because I still cherish all of the close friendship memories I had with those friends and they will always be a part that has formed the latest version of me.
So, my first question was to check how long my 30 respondents have known me for. It turned out I hadn’t done as badly as I initially feared. At least 44% of the respondents have known me before the last 5 years, i am happy with that number. Here’s the breakdown:
Total Responses: 25
Years Known:
0-5 years: 14 (56%)
5-10 years: 5 (20%)
10-15 years: 4 (16%)
15-20 years: 2 (8%)
25-30 years: 1 (4%)
Also interesting is I have had over 56% of my current friends in the last five years. They knew me on or after my 25th birthday, so they are probably versed in the latest version of me. This means much of this feedback on the rest of the survey is on the current version of me, making the information all the more valuable.
The Reputation question
To get a sense of reputation, the question I asked was the two words they’d describe me with.
Smart/Intelligent: 10 mentions (40%)
Kind: 6 mentions (24%)
Dependable/Loyal: 5 mentions (20%)
Driven/Goal-Getter: 4 mentions (16%)
I’m a self-proclaimed know-it-all, always ready to debate history, politics, or culture. So, it’s no surprise that ‘intelligent’ and ‘smart’ topped the list—though I may have forced it a bit. I know to those around me, its equal bit as annoying as cute so i am not fooled. This also shields everyone from the idea I do suck terribly at mathematics and measurements, even up till now, but ill take smart.
Also shocking is that “kind” props up as the next word. It's not a word I use very often to describe myself. I always think I could be more empathetic and kinder to people, especially those I don't know, but the fact that it was the second most used adjective reinforced the idea that I do try my best to take care of my people, and they see it; that gladdened my heart.
Is it the first thing they saw?
First impressions are like opening lines in a book, sucks you in but rarely tell the whole story. When I asked my friends about their first impressions of me, the most common responses were “tall,” “smart,” “quiet,” ‘grounded’ and “handsome.” (I’ll take those every day, thank you.) My brothers and a couple of outliers, however, saw me as “annoying.” and “proud”. one or two mischevious ones said well-paid, haha.
Have I made a difference at all?
My next question was really important because I know its easy for people to say nice things because its birthday related but I wanted to know an example of how I had made a difference in their lives . One of my life’s ambitions is to make life easier for my people. The examples were specific for most and the answers were deeply moving. Almost everyone mentioned how I’ve inspired them to be better—to make time for what matters, to push themselves to grow, to make big life moves and to strive for more. I really loved it.
I also asked how my relationship made them feel. A lot of it oscillated between calm, and content to feeling loved and cared for. The theme from it was reliable. My people feel they can count on me and that's my ultimate personality, i like being dependable, but i also know i cant be for everyone.
Hopes for My 30s: Love, Marriage, and Growth
When I asked my friends what they hope I achieve in my 30s, the answer was almost unanimous: love and marriage. (I thought we agreed not to turn into our parents and aunties, but here we are.) Beyond that, they’re rooting for my continued career growth and fitness journey—two areas where they’ve seen me thrive.
I share that hope, to become ready and make it happen, but let's revise in a few, haha.
Blind Spots, or like my Benin folks will say, Bad Characters.
No analysis is complete without identifying blind spots. My friends pointed out a few they thought needed a second look at :
Romantic Relationships: Many feel I’m too surface-level or non-committal with romantic relationships and i saw words like picky and finicky appear.
Optimism: Some think I lean too heavily into over-rationalization, which may often come across as pessimistic and non-relational. I need to dial back to humanity at times.
Spirituality: A few suggested that I connect with religion and spirituality more. My roforofo with religion remains documented.
The other comments were- nothing to change, slightly arrogant and actually being softie/sweet more than I think.
Learnings from the survey
As with all surveys, there were a couple of learnings. The question of what to start, stop, and continue was too leading, as I put in some examples as a guide. Many just went with the examples I led with. So i imagine i could have framed the question better, and maybe didnt lead with the question.
Also i had to send an email and also follow up with others who kept promising up until today to fill it, haha and others who thought it was too much work (eye roll).
Prize Giveway Question
So i talk about my favorite things a lot because i sometimes obsess over them (unhealthy), especially on my social channels so this was a tricky one as i asked for my second favorite actor and second favorite author. Everyone would have gotten my favorites as Chinua Achebe and Robert De Niro as i have forced them into the visual lives of everyone around me.
This was a curve ball, as i talk about my second favorites as well but not as much as the firsts lol. Unsuprisingly, no one got both correctly. Five people got one answer correctly - Joe Pesci, as my second favorite actor and three people got Dan Brown, as my second favorite author. haha. That was almost 30% which is really lovely and makes me feel seen, even if its through forced and unwelcomed PR.
The prize was for getting both correctly, so i’ll keep my giveaway. But because i’m fair, i’ll think of something for those who got one, haha.
Finally, a big thank you to all that filled the form, its amazing that you are, and have been a part of my journey to 30 and the feedback has been really personal and brilliant for me to keep growing and being a better version of myself. The words you have shared has filled the basket of my heart with a lot of joy. I hope to have more robust and deepened relationships with you all so i can continually be beside you as you have been beside me. Obrigado.
For others who celebrate as well, take some time to create a survey and share with your people as well. We all need to hear from our loved ones about what our relationship means to them and how we can support them better to make their lives even 1% easier. You’re free to use my template- For Free, lol (No Linkedin gimmick).
If you will oblige me, the survey is still open (HERE), and I'm open to more feedback between now and Feb 21st, when I hit the 30 mark.
I died at unwelcome PR 🤣
This is sooo wholesome.
It's these little things that matter.
I will be doing this as well for mine, thank you for sharing.