Looking for Romance? Some things you should be looking at.

One of my unpopular nuances about (against) Romantic relationships is that we elevate them against most conditions that make other sorts of relationships (Siblings, friendships, colleagues, Business relationships, etc.) and think they won't be subject to the same conditions most human relationships are subjected to. I believe such a pedestal is part of the reason for disillusionment in relationships sometimes (yes, I am an expert. Bite me).

In conversations with friends, partnered and single alike, I have found that when i share some of these things, there’s always a debate and sometimes, surprise, but i think any relationship with people we can choose I.e. friends or partners should be looked at from these lenses. This is not an exhaustive list but often the ones that generate debate in my conversations so i thought to share more widely. The are some things we don't look at that should make the difference in choosing to be with someone.

One of my favorite comparisons which i compare romantic relationships with, (which people always refute) is sibling relationships, which i feel all all other Romantic relationships come to resemble after a long time. There’s an interesting quagmire about siblings. You love your siblings, you would do so much for them and would probably take a bullet for them but there are times you cant stand them, where they get on your nerves and just push your buttons. With sibling relationships, you don't love them less because of these squirmishes that happen but you can decide to be away from it (them) for a while without it feeling like you are going to love them less. You can go live separately away from them, and you can take a break without a big question mark about what you feel for them.

But this seldom applies to Romantic relationships. You are almost always supposed to be present without fail, and presence in this sense is regarded as the best (and Sometimes only) indicator of commitment or consideration, even when it is unhealthy. I am always curious why this ‘rule’ does not apply to any other type of relationship, even with a parent and child. I think it is one of the many rules we measure romantic relationship with that i think is also unrealistic because in the end people need a certain type of space occasionally. You should look out for people who understand this nuance and the need for occasional breathers

For some people, a partner's need for space means a rejection of affection, and there is sometimes a reference to a deep broken cord when it is actually not. It's just a need for space.

Another popular rule i think is skewed is measuring kindness by how a romantic partner treats you. While this is beautiful, it is affection, not kindness. it is totally different from kindness which in the end has more longevity than affection. My opinion is that affection is seasonal and would peak at different times within the course of a relationship. It fluctuates so much and relates to only a few people who really matter (at different times) to you. Affection does not indicate how your partner will treat you when they don't like you. The lack of affection is indifference, which is totally different from wickedness, which is the direct opposite of kindness. For me, what is critical in determining a partner has to be how they treat people they really don't like (Could say hate), how they treat people they disagree with and how they treat people that hurt them emotionally. I believe these are the litmus test for a person's kindness because I believe at certain times in a long relationship, your partner will fall into these three categories, and you want to know (Hard to tell. But, you can) how they treat people in these categories because it may (will) be you in that category over the span of your relationship.

Another factor to pay attention to is what their limit to anger is. Now this is very tricky but something else i think is critical is understanding what happens when a partner gets to their anger limits. A hill i will always build my tent on is all anger can be controlled. Rage has no place in a person's life, and my advice is always to flee from people who don't possess this control of managing rage. Now this is not factoring in extremes like hitting someone else. That's abuse too extreme for me to consider it in the context of this article. Instead rage described here deals with hauling expletives, insulting with the ambition to strike at your vulnerabilities, destroying their items, inflicting bodily harm on themselves and destroying or slamming items in their environments.

One thing to always keep in mind is that anger disappears when whoever is in front who has the anger is more than capable of hurting them; it is victim-regulated. In summary, I think anger can and should always check itself. it's not a responsibility that can or should be outsourced. You should absolutely measure that in a partner and again, I reiterate, not necessarily anger directed at you specifically ; all anger.

What’s their sense of duty? Daily life is boring. Getting in shape? Boring. Achieving anything worthwhile is boring at the core of getting it done. This is because consistency is boring. There may be ways to sugarcoate a lot of this, but it is essentially what it is. and one of the ways we don't measure partners, which we should do, is to understand what duty means to them and the lens through which they do stuff. My theory is that people who mostly act based on how they feel about something will always struggle to be gritty in the face of difficult things, which is what every relationship will need to go through the motions. Life is mostly grey and repetitive with occasional bursts of color and disruptions. Having a partner who doesn't understand this notion will struggle to understand the balance in having quiet days where nothing happens.

I intend not to make this article so long, so I'd stop at this last point - Consideration. Love is Consideration. Full stop. That is another of my theories, but this is not the article for that argument. Maybe in the future. Consideration, is another one to look out for and it is one quality a partner should have. Consideration, every second of every day is so difficult because, as people, we are inherently selfish and innately self-preserving animals, which goes against the tenets of consideration as a principle. It is also interesting because I’ve noticed that when people think of consideration, they think of the big gestures - Gifting, don't cheat, don't lie, etc. those are mostly driven by value systems and arguably are a part of consideration, but it doesn't stop there. Consideration is the art of extending every iota of self-preservation to someone else and making it a constant factor all the time, even in times of low affection. it is understanding that you’d have to sleep with ear muffs because your partner snores and not persistently nag about it. It is understanding that you’d have to always get them a cup of water when you go get yours. Its realising that when its raining, you'd have to leave the only umbrella in the house for them. It is understanding that in every little thing you do, you constantly think about how it’ll make them happy and more comfortable with life. and then doing this consistently for so long. You have to be conscious that a partner is consistent in the little things because that's really vital.

(To keep myself honest and consistent, I’m starting to incorporate bits from my next article into the one preceding it to remind me that I've started it already - so i must complete it)

Next Article Peek: I hate hate the Nigerian Culture.

I don't like writing about Nigeria because it evokes disgust, disappointment, and disillusionment in me. But I like writing. Mentally, it is where I am most stimulated. So, I'll write about Nigeria.

Culture is the bedrock that defines how people are, how they will grow, and the behaviour they'll encourage. Culture is not what behaviour is supposed to be, nor is it aspirational. It is fluid, lucid, and visible. It does not allow a Vacuum, and it will fill up an environment. It is not what happened in 1960, or 1988. It is present and it is daily. It is a day to day aggregation of the behaviours you see, encounter and engage in the course of your life within your environment and with people from that environment. It is necessary to make this clear as sometimes I have had people argue against a visible behaviour that was prevalent as not part of the culture. Nah, man, it is. it very much is.

Our Culture is rotten and majority of it needs to be thrown in a bin, tied on a cement bag and dropped in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Culturally, we need to realize………